Monday, December 30, 2013

HOW TO NOT HOOK UP WITH A MAN

Throughout the course of my sexually active life, I've experimented with annoying my partner during or before foreplay. "Success" was measured by whether or not we went on to have sex. I cannot remember when or why this began, but, after years of "research," I'm ready to share some of my findings.

How to Not Hook Up: 

1. The Classic Pass Out Move: Fall asleep. Anywhere. At any point. The more unexpected and uncomfortable, the better. The first time I pulled this, I staged a very dramatic fake pass out in a gentleman's bathroom and waited to be found "passed out." This took forever and my arm fell asleep. Don't make such an effort - just turn your head to the side, close your eyes, relax all muscles, and start breathing lightly yet deeply. I have "passed out" in taxis, at kitchen counters, while kissing on couches, while in bed giving a hand job (because...honestly...a hand job?), and once while I was pushed against a wall making out with a man. I would not recommend the latter, properly "passing out" while standing upright means you must fall and you might hurt yourself.

2. The Modern Chastity Belt: Wear a ton of clothing, particularly complicated items that require a lot of effort to remove. It's a fun challenge to put together a cute outfit that involves wearing ALL of the following: a bra, bustier, corset, bodysuit, pair of tights, blouse, blazer, and slightly too tight, button fly pants (extra credit if you add in spanx and thigh high boots, five extra points for each additional button). If you succeed, you get play innocent and ask "what's wrong, babe?" while watching confusion turn into frustration.

How to Fail?*:

1. Reading literature: I once read the following passage of D.H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover to a man.

"And however one might sentimentalize it, this sex business was one of the most ancient, sordid connections and subjections. Poets who glorified it were mostly men. Women had always known there was something better, something higher...The beautiful pure freedom of a woman was infinitely more wonderful than any sexual love. The only unfortunate thing was that men lagged so far behind women in the matter. They insisted on the sex thing like dogs..."

He began to discuss symbols of freedom in feminist literature. My panties dropped immediately. Sapiosexuality is real.

2. Playing/singing opera: Once, when asked to turn on music, I played Una Furtiva Lagrima from L'elisir d'amore and began to sing along. It's difficult to continue singing opera while kissing. And an incredible kiss can distract you. Somehow, this song melted into something much sexier. I still smile when I listen to it.



*The word "fail" here is followed by a question mark because, while I did not annoy my partner, good sex is never failure. 

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

BRAD PITT'S LOVE LETTER TO HIS WIFE.

On this Christmas eve, let's all, christians and all of us others, pray and meditate on Love. Love of others, love of self.
Found this (not so well-written) letter by Brad Pitt to his wife, Angelina Jolie.
Honest, and with a beautiful and real conclusion.

“My wife got sick.  She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children. She has lost 30 pounds and weighed about 90 pounds in her 35 years. She got very skinny, and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs.She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon…
But then I decided to act on it. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on the earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her shoulders
I began to pamper her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised her and pleased her every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends.
You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much. 
And then I realized one thing: The woman is the reflection of her man. If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.“              

- Brad Pitt

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION

Exactly one week before Christmas, the BMJ published a report on virgin births in the United States. That's right. So-called "virgin births" were self-reported to a medical journal. Approximately 1% of American women who become pregnant claim to have been virgins at the time of conception.

When you look deeper into the statistics, a higher percentage of the pregnant "virgins" signed chastity pledges vowing to remain virgins until they got married than the pregnant non-virgins. So, I can't help but believe that this nonsense is directly related to the idolization of virginity and purity in girls and women.

When we idolize virginity and purity, we are staying that what a woman does with her body says everything about who she is and how good or valuable she is. When we pressure women to be, remain or appear virginal and pure, we rob them of choice, of diversity of self-expression. Idolizing a girl's virginity and purity strengthens rape culture, results in the victimization of those who have been raped, and prevents women and girls from coming forward in instances of rape or sexual abuse. It is dangerous.

So, can we, as a society, stop? And while we're at it, let's leave immaculate conception to Mary.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The slowly dissapearing art of Kissing.

You know what i miss? Good kissers. 

The kind of person that electrifies your whole body by slightly rubbing his soft lips on yours... The one that will take his sweet-ass time to gently caress your mouth with his... And take more than half a nano- second before he introduces you to his precious thongue.
To kiss is an art. It is beautiful and precious when well done.

So here is my personal to-do list for proper kissing:

- Take your damn time! As for anything erotic, the tension BEFORE anything happens is almost as important as the action itself. Wait. Wait even more. And when you feel it is time: wait another second while looking deep into the other's eyes. 
- Go slow, be gentle. As lips are über-sensitive and are made of a million sensitive nerves. So make every contact count. 
- Even if you like ruff kissing, or even dirty-i-wanna-eat-you-up-kissing, it's important to start softer. Would it be to emphasize the amazingly hot ruff part later. So please: keep you mouth RELAXED. Nothing less sensual than hard lips that suck-and-hit yours. Remember, your lips are a muscle, don't flex them. 
- Don't put your big sloppy tongue in the others mouth right away. Wait a bit to introduce it. And introduce it with games and fun sensual licks and tongue caresses. 
- Mix the kiss-with-thongue and the ( very under-ratted) kiss-no-tongue. It's more fun and allows one to breathes. As you should be kissing each other longuer than 4 minutes. 

Kissing is an art. And when well done, can bring one to crazy erotic heights. You know, like when we were teens and would get so wet just with amazing kissing sessions. 
Yeah, you know. 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

WATCH THIS IF YOU WATCH PORN

I watch porn. And i stated seeing a change in my personal erotic life. I am slowly loosing my ability in erotic imagination.
This makes me sad. And after watching this talk, i will definitely slow down a whole bit my porn watching.
Please watch.


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

LICK THE MIDDLE LIKE AN OREO

Oh R.Kelly. You are not much of a romantic story-teller.
Straight. To. The. Point.
Thing is: this video is quite a oxymoron: on one hand: the most degrading towards women portrayal of über-weaved-sexfied-girls, and on the other: glorifying eating a girl out and making her sexually satisfied.

I'll just say: i like that more and more men in Hip-Hop today, are associating virility with eating girls' pussy right, rather that having "their bitches suck their cock like she should"

Video remains very misogynic....but HILARIOUS (i rather laugh about it)

Thursday, December 5, 2013

MEN: IT'S YOUR FAULT.

A challenge to men.

(would be SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL without the corny music... anyway.)

Film by Matteus Clement & Mazo MediaPoem by Jeremy Loveday

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

MY BFF

Thank you vibrator for always being here for me. I love you. 

2 YEARS AGO

Him.
That wonderful force. That perfectly imperfect being.
Never have i felt so at peace next to anybody yet his love unsettled me like an never-ending earthquake.
It was 2 years ago exactly. 
He told me. He told me he loved me.
I didn't know how to deal with it. 
A never-ending earthquake. That's some scary shit. So you run. You stay away from it.

He's happy now with a girl that has way more courage than me. And that's beautiful. 
I always think of him. Silently. So my head won't hear it. So my heart won't see it. 

One day i'll dance when the earth starts shaking under me again. Yes, i'll dance. 

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

THAT SLIGHT JIGGLE...

They are a bunch of things that are different about us since we first starting sleeping with men, and us now... one of them being happier about our body. Not that we changed all that much, but we realized with experience that a lot of the self-conscious things we felt about our body "flaws", really only existed in our heads.
Truth is, most men don't see them OR even like them.

Like how our butt jiggles.

That extra fat that just always seems to be tight in out jeans or threatens to crack your tight skirt open when you sit down. Yes that one. Why? Well it's not only a beautiful hand-full, it also dances.
Up'n'down...side to side....
Fun thing is even small butts jiggle. And that's just wonderful.

Yummmmm...