Monday, December 30, 2013

HOW TO NOT HOOK UP WITH A MAN

Throughout the course of my sexually active life, I've experimented with annoying my partner during or before foreplay. "Success" was measured by whether or not we went on to have sex. I cannot remember when or why this began, but, after years of "research," I'm ready to share some of my findings.

How to Not Hook Up: 

1. The Classic Pass Out Move: Fall asleep. Anywhere. At any point. The more unexpected and uncomfortable, the better. The first time I pulled this, I staged a very dramatic fake pass out in a gentleman's bathroom and waited to be found "passed out." This took forever and my arm fell asleep. Don't make such an effort - just turn your head to the side, close your eyes, relax all muscles, and start breathing lightly yet deeply. I have "passed out" in taxis, at kitchen counters, while kissing on couches, while in bed giving a hand job (because...honestly...a hand job?), and once while I was pushed against a wall making out with a man. I would not recommend the latter, properly "passing out" while standing upright means you must fall and you might hurt yourself.

2. The Modern Chastity Belt: Wear a ton of clothing, particularly complicated items that require a lot of effort to remove. It's a fun challenge to put together a cute outfit that involves wearing ALL of the following: a bra, bustier, corset, bodysuit, pair of tights, blouse, blazer, and slightly too tight, button fly pants (extra credit if you add in spanx and thigh high boots, five extra points for each additional button). If you succeed, you get play innocent and ask "what's wrong, babe?" while watching confusion turn into frustration.

How to Fail?*:

1. Reading literature: I once read the following passage of D.H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover to a man.

"And however one might sentimentalize it, this sex business was one of the most ancient, sordid connections and subjections. Poets who glorified it were mostly men. Women had always known there was something better, something higher...The beautiful pure freedom of a woman was infinitely more wonderful than any sexual love. The only unfortunate thing was that men lagged so far behind women in the matter. They insisted on the sex thing like dogs..."

He began to discuss symbols of freedom in feminist literature. My panties dropped immediately. Sapiosexuality is real.

2. Playing/singing opera: Once, when asked to turn on music, I played Una Furtiva Lagrima from L'elisir d'amore and began to sing along. It's difficult to continue singing opera while kissing. And an incredible kiss can distract you. Somehow, this song melted into something much sexier. I still smile when I listen to it.



*The word "fail" here is followed by a question mark because, while I did not annoy my partner, good sex is never failure.