Monday, March 31, 2014

MY REVISIONIST HISTORY

I broke up with the man I was seeing recently. My side of the story is: I tried and it didn't work. You'll have to ask him about his side.

The root of the issue for me was sex and my expectations. I expect to have a strong or growing emotional connection with someone I'm sleeping with and it seemed to me that he was fiercely avoiding any emotional connection. After all, for me, sex is extremely intimate and when I'm having sex, I'm very vulnerable. I am not comfortable being intimate with someone I feel uncomfortable being vulnerable around and I'm uncomfortable feeling vulnerable around someone who is trying to separate the emotional and physical aspects of sex. I don't look or act like a pornstar and I could never be a fuck buddy - and I need to know my partner likes me enough that those things aren't a concern. But that's just me. You may think differently.

As is common in many relationships/situations, what was once a small concern grew over time until I was no longer happy to see him and crying regularly after I left him. It became obvious to me that I needed to end things. Then we tried again, kind of. And nothing changed. So I ended things again.

The problem is now...after one week...my mind has begun revising history. What was terrible is no longer so bad and what was decent is now incredible. Is this a holdover from evolution? Am I forgetting and do all women forget over time so that we can maintain relationships, have sex, procreate and continue the human race?

So, now I miss him - both emotionally and sexually - and am uncomfortable with the fact that I left him.