Thursday, July 10, 2014

GIVERS, TAKERS

If there is a spectrum of giving to taking in every relationship and social interaction, I like to think most people are in the middle somewhere. I lean pretty strongly towards giving. I like to make the people around me and the people I love/like/am interested in happy. I want my friends to be successful in their careers and I will do whatever I can to help them out. I want my partner to be satisfied as well and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Lately, I've encountered a lot of takers - people who want something from you, make their desire very clear and bring absolutely nothing to the table. [Aside: Perhaps I'm using this phrase "bring nothing to the table" incorrectly because people have thought I've meant money. This has nothing to do with money. I mean that I believe there are basic things that everyone should expect in social interactions, like, for example...respect or some sort of bare minimum of kindness and the people who bring nothing to the table are always disrespectful or unkind in their social interactions] I don't understand this mentality. I'm particularly confused when men who are courting me display this mentality. So you're saying you want to take me out but you're also telling me that you're an asshole narcissist womanizer who enjoys being unkind to strangers and women he takes out because that gets you more of what you want? Or worse, the man who makes abundantly (and vulgarly) clear that he wants to sleep with you and then tells you about all the things he won't be doing before/during/after sex. I have exactly no time for that. Life is hard. I have a demanding job. There are millions of people in this city alone. And this proposition is completely unattractive. I'd rather spend time with my friends than someone I don't know who acts like this.

I would never, in an early stage conversation with a man I'm interested in, list of all the things I want from him and all the things he would NOT be getting from me. Just...huh? What would be the point of that? Does anyone want to spend time with someone like that?

And I cannot speak on the male perspective when it comes to women who are sexual takers, but let me say, as a woman, sleeping with a man who is all take and NO give is actually the fucking worst. At best, unsatisfying. At worst, painful.

To be clear, I'm not looking for the opposite extreme. I'm advocating for something along the lines of this mentality: I like you, let's make this worth each other's while.

I give. You give. We both leave satisfied. Voila.