The Universe is a funny lady. On Feb 9th I wrote that 'My Vagina Is Currently Not Accepting Applicants' and of course 2 days later the Universe was like oh really?? and sent me an extremely worthy applicant. He's amazing and I am very grateful to have him in my life but that's not the point of this piece. What I really want to address is what hasn't changed. I'm still afraid of sex, and now I'm in a position where I actually need to face those fears if I want to be able to explore that dimension with my partner.
I guess I kinda thought that once I'd be with a good man, my mind would MiB flash erase all the sexual micro-traumas I've lived and give me a fresh sex slate to carve but in reality she's been keeping tabs and every time I want to venture into the danger zone she has all her troops on guard. In a way I really appreciate that my body has my back like that cause let's be honest I've made quite a few mistakes in the past but it has been hard to navigate this frame of mind; I feel like I no longer have any sense of what I like and don't like or I can and can't do.
The positive side of this all is that I get to revisit the basics and build a solid sexual fondation for our future explorations. My favorite course right now is kissing, yup the very elementary kissing. You'd think it were a simple and boring act the way most skip over it but it is such a beautiful and elaborate sensation. I crave his lips, all my hair arouse when he nuzzles in for even the slightest peck, our breath falls in sync, we have long complexe conversations with our tongues and the shivers I feel when his lips touch mine make me wonder why we even aim for orgasm when this is clearly zenith.
I lost a lot of my sexuality in the past few years and I really didn't think I'd have an opportunity to rebuild it so soon but now that it's here I am going to enjoy every step of the way even if it is a scary journey. Truly enjoying my return to the basics.