I haven't been able to write on this blog for about a year now.
During that time I still read the posts religiously and consistently wished I could share my own two cents but every time I tried to write something it came out insincere because I refused to admit that at this point in my life I am afraid of sex.
This is a particularly hard pill for me to swallow because I was quite sexually liberated in the past and truly enjoyed all types of sexual encounters. I loved talking about sex, fantasizing about sex, indulging in sex, all of it. But something happened in the past year that I can't really explain. I didn't get raped, I wasn't physical abused, there was no particular moment I can point to that brought me to this point but I can't enjoy sex anymore. Not only can I not enjoy sex but the moment anything tries to enter me I either burst into tears or my vagina completely clamps up. Even masterbating is a struggle. I should specify that these are empty tears, it's not like I'm getting over someone and that sex reminds me of him or that I'm sad when this reaction happens, it's literally just my body's reaction to sex for the past year: tears and clammed shut vagina.
What's the most interesting part of this recent dilemma is that in every other part of my life I feel amazing. I have a great job, a beautiful family, successful side projects, honestly I feel on top of my game so what is causing all this emotional outpour and why is it mainly linked to my vagina?
Naturally I've talked to a lot of friends about my situation and even a few professionals and so far it all seems to be pointing to the fact that I've never had boyfriend sex. Well I've never had a boyfriend so that would explain that but this isn't about the whole emotional connection or support you feel with a partner. It's about the sexual respect that apparently you now only deserve if you are a man's girlfriend. When I started my sexual exploration about 10 years ago, it wasn't like this. I guess porn wasn't as popular and degrading back then so the men I was with would actually take the time to get to my know my body and please me but for the past 2-3 years I've encountered an alarming amount of guys who 'only go down on their girlfriends', and think that foreplay and cuddling are 'too serious' or think that the only way for them to reach orgasm is to pummel the girl's vagina. After countless nights of bad sex and belittling experiences I think my vagina has just thrown in the towel and refuses to be touched.
It's really sad that most of the men around me believe that good sex and mutual respect is only reserved for their 'wifey', which coincidentally they never seem to have. I'm a very respectable woman, I'm enjoyable to be around and I used to love getting to know a select few of the men around me on a sexual level without feeling like a blow up doll in a porn flick. Every time I want to get intimate my vagina reminds me of the times I was called a bitch in bed, chocked, had a guy just stuff their dick in my mouth, all of which would be fine if I felt it was out of sexual intensity rather than contempt. Oh let's not even talk about the times guys have refused to go down me, called me by the wrong name, or wouldn't even offer me a glass of water the next morning.
I know, you must be thinking 'where in the world is she finding theses guys?'. Well I'm sad to say these are regular guys. Guys I went to school with, ex-coworkers, and even guys I would've called friends. I wish I could say they were guys from a sleazy bar but no. So why don't I just try to get a boyfriend then? Because that's not the solution! I don't want a boyfriend right now and I should have the right to enjoy my singledom without it making me a lesser class citizen.
I don't how much longer my vagina is gonna be on strike but I fully understand her. Why should she open herself to such disdain. So yup right now I am afraid to have sex, I'm afraid it'll be awful like it's been, I'm afraid that even if it isn't awful my body will rejet it, and most importantly I'm afraid that the way men and women have sex in the next few years is just gonna keep on getting more sexist and degrading.
In the meantime I'm going to try to reacquaint myself with my vagina and build up her confidence again cause as I mentioned before even masterbating has been tough recently and maybe I can share those experiences with you guys since my vagina is currently not accepting applicants.