Monday, May 7, 2012

THE HAT THAT MADE YOU GAY

Of all the many things I do not understand about this universe, it is the straight North American man's fear of fashion that truly makes me scratch my pretty head.

In my time, I've styled a few straight men and a common concern comes up that I barely see in Europe. Men who are afraid to wear so much as colour because they will be labeled homosexual. Do any of these dudes actually take a step back to hear the lack of logic spewing out their mouths? I didn't realize colour made you gay, or material, or that adorable bow tie you want to sport, but don't have the cojones to.

Nothing can truly make you gay when you wear it (scientists are still researching the cause and effect of a full-valour jumpsuit.). You either are or you aren't. There's no fashionable fabric that once woven together, has the ultimate power to change your genetic one.

The result of this mentality can be disheartening. I look around and see too many sloppy-ass motherfuckers that don't even try to look attractive. Even a blind man could tell you that high-waisted jeans don't go with...well anything. And that pizza stain on your Sears shorts does not bring out your eyes. Why the hell am I bothering to look attractive before I leave if you don't put in 1% of effort? Oh boohoo! It's so hard to coordinate an outfit ONE DAY. BITCH PLEASE! I've been trying to coordinate since I was 12 and this shit ain't easy, but I try. I went through a neon spandex phase, but it was a phase! And after years of therapy, it's finally over. The point is, Id rather TRY than leave my house looking like a repeatedly-runover-by-a-truck-Weird Al Yankovic. Do you want me to go a week without plucking???? DO YOU??!?!?!?! I don't think you do.

Gentlemen, colour, fabric, style, fashion....they're all your friend. You need to deal with your issues and stop making the rest of us straight ladies suffer.

Whenever I hear a dude say "Fashion is lame." or "I don't have time for all that stupid shit."

I hear this: "No thanks, I'm comfortable getting a lot less pussy."

It's a shitty answer.
Get over yourselves, Gentlemen, and dress to impress me.